| The Extreme Accordioning Manifesto |
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| The accordion is a much maligned instrument;
yet it makes a fearsome sound,and has literally dozens of
buttons on it to prevent the player from getting bored. The
purpose of Extreme Accordioning is not, however, to highlight
the musical versatility of squeezeboxes. Oh no. Instead it
is to instigate yet another great English tradition which
the government can try and ban because it's too dangerous.
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Another great English tradition
the government can try and ban because it's too dangerous...
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| (1) Instrument. |
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| The activity of Extreme Accordioning requires
the participant to own an accordion. It doesn't matter what
sort of accordion you get, whether a piano-accordion, melodeon,
or concertina of some description. However, it's obviously
no good if you only play the bagpipes. In this case, you'd
be well-advised to put down your bagpipes, set fire to your
trousers, and make a sandwich, although not necessarily in
that order. |
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It doesn't matter what sort of
accordion you get, although a concertina produces less firewood.
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| (2) Appearance. |
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| Extreme accordioning will be undertaken using
special protective clothing. Steel toe-capped boots are vital,
and in fact should be owned by every accordionist, whether
extreme or not. A crash-hat is useful, although not essential
(unless you expect to be catapulted into the air). And don't
forget the most necessary part of the extreme accordionist's
uniform: a cheap woollen cardigan from Marks & Spencer
(preferably with a picture of a lifeboat or train on it).
An enormous beard will be useful as protection from blasts
of hot air caused by any explosions, and fingerless gloves
should always be worn in case it turns cold. They offer the
added bonus that should you lose your fingers in an Extreme
Accordioning accident, you will still have some effective
hand-warming equipment. |
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An enormous beard will be useful
as protection from blasts of hot air caused by any explosions.
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| (3) The Extreme Accordioning Rating System. |
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Each act of extreme accordioning will receive
a mark out of ten from the owners of this site. Marks will
be awarded in an arbitrary way depending on whether either
of us were involved in the event being marked, which of course,
we won't be. We're not stupid enough to actually do any of
this ourselves. Although if we do, we'll get higher marks
than anyone else. Points are awarded for absurdity and personal
danger. For example:
- placing a concertina in a tumble-drier is silly - 3
points
- getting in the tumble drier with it is downright stupid
- 7 points
- turning the tumble-drier on while inside it with a
concertina is EXTREME - 10 points
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Launching an accordion into the
air while wearing a gimp mask is EXTREME and scores 10 in
the rating system
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| (4) Disclaimer etc. |
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| The owners of this site take no responsibility
for any loss of earnings, loss of limbs, loss of life, complaints
to MPs or miserable long stays in hospital incurred as a result
of any extreme accordioning activities. Kids, don't try this
at home - the neighbours might see. |
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If preparing for Extreme activities
at high altitudes, be sure to strap your instrument securely
to your back.
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